Tag: poetry

it pains me to say

i haven’t felt the least bit alive

that can’t be true now can it

every now and then i catch glimpses of myself

(the girl i used to be)

i can’t seem to laugh the way i used to 

a sharp twisting pain in my gut that stuns me every time

it leaves me gasping for air

(because it hurts)

and i can feel it spread, seeping from my stomach inside inside inside it’s staining me

i’m speechless but mostly just sorry

i must still be alive if i’m struggling to breathe

the struggle is so stupidly human

every time i think of you i end up crying

it is april and my eyes are wide open

daydreaming about metropolitan cotton candy

lazing around, careless, sundazed

a hastily manufactured afterthought

stopping mid sentence

to gaze at cloudy skies and stars

seamless streams unbroken, forgotten



april, come it will

on quiet sunny days, seeping sunlight

leaking twilight skies

trail of words

trailing words

i can taste how much you loved me

how much you used to, anyway

words i’ve been trying to say

tired of losing friends and losing sleep

tired of erasing all our memories

i want to blame you but it’s mostly me

hurting alone when i just want peace

but i’m in pieces, jesus, i’m on my knees

praying to god but i don’t believe – 

maybe salvation just isn’t for me

i use drugs so i can breathe. so i can sleep

it makes me weak

it’s just so easy

you know me, i like sweet dreams

i know it’s been like i’m stuck between

like i can’t really speak. like i can’t really reach

for words but i’m screaming underneath

all these tangled sheets

i feel so incomplete

writing poems i hope you see

but don’t confuse pain with poetry

yours

when i tried to stop myself from feeling all i felt for you, i couldn’t 

i still tried to stop myself from telling you how much i felt

because if you didn’t know

if i didn’t say it

we’d always be what if.

you’d be my maybe

and i’d be your almost

we’d be perfect

precious, frozen in time

like a dream

but god, you are incredible

you are so easy to love

falling in love with you was inevitable

you hold me close

and touch me gently

you kissed me until there was more happiness inside me than sadness

there is so much love in my soul

my heart feels so full

i love when we just talk

i want to know all of you

i’m so lucky i get to explore your mind

i want to get lost forever

i see oceans in your eyes, it makes me so scared 

if you are the ocean then i am desperate to drown

how can you see me so clearly and still love me?

when i look into your eyes, i feel so bare

how can you see right through me,

and see me for all that i am?

even though i’m scared

even though we aren’t making any promises

i trust you and i trust us

we don’t have to make any promises 

you have all of me either way

when i love, i give my all 

all of me, my heart, completely

and i love every part of you 

i’m scared to say i’m yours but 

i am completely and utterly yours

i’m yours.

letters, lines, and wretched messes

Your lips taste like honey

Like summer skies and orange sunsets, 

Golden roses, midnight dreams 

Soak slowly, I let you drown me 

Your breath makes me twirly

Like swirling storms inside my stomach

Fluttering marigolds and yellow petals

rain down when you touch me

Our fingers, no, bodies are intertwined

Like messy strands of hair at 11 a.m.

Waking up to kisses and tea

I truly let you drown me

Scattered letters and bleeding pens

Carve their way into my heart

Harsh lines and soft edges stay

Until my sorrows turn into art

Molded and mended

I bleed and I breathe 

The letters that you wrote to me 

Made me realize suddenly

That we are not disorderly

We are a harmony

A synchrony, a symphony

A wretched mess of limbs, we are

Like folded pages in a book of poems

Entangled words all mangled up

And faded ink underneath the sun’s glow

But

We are not entangled letters

Or words or limbs

We are parallel lines

that were never meant to touch 

she doesn’t like girls

she has honey colored hair.

and honey colored eyes.

i wonder,

does she taste like honey too?

i get drunk on her breath

her lips so close

i close my eyes and i wake up — disappointed

in reality.

she is so beautiful and kind.

but i don’t think she likes girls.

i’m too afraid to ask.

i hope she finds someone who makes her happy.

broken-glass words

when you are frustrated irritated impatient

i am complacent

i close my eyes, and spiral down

watching the circles get bluer and bluer and finally turn black

sharp teeth in the dark grip me and i’m used to it

but it still hurts when i choke on my words

drowning coughing gurgling up mangled words

that i want to spit out but i’m scared

because they’re not real words

not real to you or in a way you can understand

you say: give me real words i don’t understand you i’m frustrated by you give me real words real words real words

but what you mean is: your words are not real and your feelings are not real and you. are. not. real. so stop pretending like you are.

so, i choke on my sliced-up words and i drown

i think it is you, who makes me feel like i am not enough

but it is me

i am swallowing my own broken-glass words

and then i wonder why i can’t use my voice

the quiet

one

two

three

four

stop, please

i can’t breathe

angry red crescent moons

in my palms

deep breaths

it’s okay, i’m okay now

eyes shut tightly

stop seeing

stop remembering that night

stop stop stop

the world moves so slowly

unfeeling

hush now

the quiet after the storm

lingers

on and on

when will it end?

summer daydreams

tumblr_p5d058ID6R1tljlp8o1_640

she is beautiful

she is strong

she is the apocalypse.

 

she is the breath caught in your throat

and the stumble between your heartbeats

 

she is a swirl of bubblegum skies

and chapped stick kisses

 

she tastes like honey

and summer daydreams

 

she reminds you of an ocean

breathless, breathtaking

relentless

 

she is gentle

she is lost

and she loves you

 

 

 

 

a conversation

him: take off your shirt

me: I, um, I don’t think–

him: c’mon baby, I know you want to feel good

me: I don’t know if I–

him: I’ll take it off for you

I have lost so much of myself in past relationships

so many countless hours of calls that I didn’t want to answer

endless murmurs of no’s that end up becoming maybes and then yeses

it wasn’t his fault that I didn’t want to do anything

wasn’t his fault that I was incapable of saying no

that I couldn’t say no

because I wanted it to be good

I wanted to be good

I still get flashbacks from times I would rather not remember

I still ask myself every day why I did those things

why I said those things when I wanted to cry

why I let him take off my shirt and unhook my bra

why I said it was okay, keep going, it’s fine, it doesn’t hurt

but it wasn’t okay, I wanted to stop, and it did hurt

did I really want to be loved that badly?

to have ruined all the parts with dignity left in me?

was I incapable of loving myself?

even now, I still struggle to say no when I don’t want to do something

and I’m slowly learning that saying no doesn’t make me weak

it doesn’t make me any less of a person

saying no makes me strong

because it means that I am choosing myself

I am choosing to love myself

simple truths

adulting meIt’s hard to tell the truth. But here’s my version. Within each statement is a simple truth, just how I feel. If you think that this is how I’m projecting my relapse – you couldn’t be more wrong. I would have never posted this a year ago, or hell, even a month ago. I don’t think I could’ve even gotten myself to write this. I know these aren’t great sunshiny feelings but they’re my feelings and I’m working on them. This isn’t a call for help. I’m proud of myself, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I can’t believe I’m including a picture of myself in this. I hate having my picture taken but I think it’s important for me to realize that I am a part of others’ memories and that they actually love me. Thank you for being a part of my journey, I wouldn’t be here without everyone’s love and support.

Here are my truths.

 

I am nineteen.

I have accomplished nothing.

 

I like writing.

But I am not good at it.

 

I have had my heart broken twice.

I’m scared to fall in love again.

 

I don’t like it when strangers look at me.

I think they’re mentally stripping me.

 

I’ve been taking sleeping pills every night for the past month.

Because when it gets too late at night, I want to hurt myself.

 

I miss my father a lot.

But I still remember the belt he used to strike me with.

 

I love reading.

I need to escape. I need to forget.

 

I paint my nails often.

Because if I look put together, no one can tell that I’m falling apart.

 

I like getting sick.

Because having the flu is a better excuse for me to stay in bed than depression.

 

I have recurring nightmares of drowning.

I’m scared of the disappointment I feel when I wake up.

 

I’m always sunshine and rainbows.

Because if I’m not, no one will like me.

 

I don’t like it when people tell me to shut up.

It’s taken me a while to find my voice. 

 

I intend to keep it.

 

 

 

 

relapse

black and blue

still stains my skin

still stains my soul

from nights i don’t want to remember

nights i cannot seem to forget

why do i do this to myself?

 

my fault

always my fault

i wanted it to be good

i wanted to be good

 

i keep sinking

into this hole i keep digging

the hole inside my heart

somehow keeps expanding

 

you call it art

but it tears me apart

inside, always keeping it

inside

 

— i am falling apart

 

solid ground

Apr 5, 2018 – 10:34PM

Skinny Love – Birdy

I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately, like something is wrong but not quite enough for me to say I’m depressed, because I’m not, trust me. I’m not depressed. But something is a little off. And I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like an empty shell, moving about day to day without really paying attention to what’s going on. I feel almost guilty for feeling dissatisfied with my life.

There’s this sense of familiarity with everything I do – wake up, go to class, go to the gym (sometimes), Netflix, homework (sometimes), and sleep. Oh, and all the meals (and things with friends) in between that. This pretty much is my every day routine. It’s not a terrible one, right? I mean, I think it’s pretty well-rounded.

But one day, as I was standing in the shower watching the warm droplets glide down my arms and stomach, I was struck with this sensation. Like something was wrong. I still don’t know how to describe it. It was almost a reminder – a slap in the face, perhaps, mocking me for how hard I’m always trying. No matter how many extracurricular activities I surround myself with, I’m always filled with this almost-guilt – what if it isn’t enough?

I feel like it’s middle school again, it’s the first day of school, and I’m surrounded by a sea of strangers. I feel like it’s the first time I’m about to fly thousands of miles alone to a foreign country. I feel like it’s the first time I’m leaving home, but I’m not. I feel like it is the first time having sex and I’m scared and nervous. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I’m watching the world go by in slow motion yet time is passing so quickly – there aren’t enough hours in a day. I feel stuck. Guilty? Lonely. Unmotivated. Confused. Uncomfortable. Unsettled. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost.

My only two rules in life are to be kind and to do things out of love. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of this feeling of almost-guilt, this vulnerability – I will never be able to erase how lost I feel. And I’m scared. That even now, at 18, everything seems to be so in place, yet I feel like the world will swallow me whole at any given moment.

I am looking for solid ground. I can’t find it. Will I be feeling this way when I’m 28? 40? Lost. I am so lost.