The sky is grey and I am filled with uncertainty. It didn’t rain today, but I wished it did. I am tired of coming up with different ways to say I’m tired. I wonder if there is some merit in getting up every day and doing it even though I’m tired. I try to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and that if I am steadfast in my convictions, surely everything must turn out okay.

But I’ve been really fucking confused lately. I got really good at swallowing my feelings. Which ones am I allowed to let bubble up? I’m confused. For now, the answer is simple: I only choose the good feelings. Life is short. I’m not here for a bad time and I’m not here to waste my time. At the same time, life is long. All these unresolved feelings, I’m sure, will find their own place. I don’t believe in God but I believe in myself. And I believe that one day, the answer will come to me.

tl;dr que sera, sera

there is a storm inside my heart

there is a storm inside my heart

a silent rumbling that shakes my core

i wonder how much more of this i can take

a heart of glass should contain flowers like dandelions and daisies and all the flowers i have ever loved

but the rage is intense and i feel it in waves and i don’t know whether i’m going to implode or explode, whether i’m going to cry or scream, so i just sit with it. i sit with it silently while it devours me whole and engulfs me with flames i do not know how to fight because all my life i have been drowning

how can i be burning up and drowning at the same time?

if my heart is made of glass, it must be tempered because i have felt it shatter all at once

what is your heart made of?

i’m above my nerve

Daily writing prompt
What makes you nervous?
View all responses

the screeching of trains, silence in hospitals, thinking about what I’m going to do tomorrow, thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made in the past, thinking about how to be better in the present, when the kettle whistles, when the microwave beeps, when cars brake too hard, when the page is too empty, when I can’t come up with words for what I want to say, when you say my name a little too loud, when my parents are anxious, loud crowds, spiders, when a glass is too close to the edge of the table, when my bank account dips to three figures, the way you whisper my name, how you tuck my hair back behind my ears, sirens, the sound of a Teams call, when I’m going somewhere and I feel like I’ve forgotten something, thinking about expired products in the fridge, thinking about today’s solar market, 11:11 because I don’t make wishes anymore, all the unread books lining my shelf (guilt), thinking about Sara going to college, thinking about college in general, all the shattered dreams and broken promises, the potential of having another dream, the potential of another dream shattering

Anxiety is a part of my everyday life. It’s going to affect me whether I like it or not. But it’s not who I am, just a part of me! If you’re suffering from anxiety – don’t beat yourself up!! You are doing so well ❤

To all my anxious friends:

“If your nerve deny you, go above your nerve.” – Emily Dickinson

skytrain stranger

Daily writing prompt
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
View all responses

In January, I met the most interesting person. We happened to be walking in the same direction when our eyes met. It seemed natural to start talking to this person. It’s interesting how easy it is to talk to a stranger. Fears I’ve never told anyone slipped out easily. I learned that he was a chef. He works grueling hours with very little pay. I’m not sure this encounter was the most positive. He was disillusioned. When upper management forced him to fire an employee who did nothing wrong – an employee who happened to be his mentee – he questioned everything. He quit his job. He couldn’t find enjoyment in cooking anymore. It was sad but I wasn’t sad for him. I could see the fire still remaining in his eyes, even if he couldn’t. While we only talked for an hour or so, I felt I really got to know this man. And I realized – everyone is carrying the world on their shoulders. Everyone is disillusioned. Maybe that’s why I liked talking to him. He was real. How many of us mask our pain and pretend to be normal functioning adults?

He didn’t ask for my name, and I didn’t ask for his. We parted ways at the skytrain and I wished him luck. I feel inspired by his story. I want to struggle as much as I can. I want to be able to say I tried my best. I would rather go out kicking and screaming than calmly. Let us all be human and endure it all together. To my skytrain stranger: I’m rooting for you.

the thing about pain

the thing about pain is that it hurts. it is a consequence of the anger festering deep in your heart. what type of pain is it today? the angry fire radiating from within? whose flames lick and lap up at your nerve endings? imploding or exploding? which one is it today? perhaps the cool dull ache gnawing at your bones? there’s more on the menu and get this – a secret menu i haven’t yet unlocked. can’t wait for the new seasonal releases!

i’d like to decline ordering from the pain menu. i’m afraid i’m all pained out for like, life. but if you insist i suppose i’ll choose to feel nothing. one big pile of heaping nothing, please. numbness is my favorite flavor! how did you know? oh yes let me snap a picture of this despair and upload it to the Void. (an exclusive place to me only).

i wanted to write about pain but it hurts. and like i said, today i choose to feel nothing. so let me be numb for a little while longer

it pains me to say

i haven’t felt the least bit alive

that can’t be true now can it

every now and then i catch glimpses of myself

(the girl i used to be)

i can’t seem to laugh the way i used to 

a sharp twisting pain in my gut that stuns me every time

it leaves me gasping for air

(because it hurts)

and i can feel it spread, seeping from my stomach inside inside inside it’s staining me

i’m speechless but mostly just sorry

i must still be alive if i’m struggling to breathe

the struggle is so stupidly human

brain evolution

Happy 2025! This is my first post of the year. Yes, it is January 27th. I have truly been slacking but times have been tough !!! But I’m back. I had to take a break from writing and being myself for a while but I think I feel like I want my brain back now. My brain muscles are atrophying.

Here are some things I learned during the longest stretch of not writing ever.

It’s really hard to think. Apparently, I’m an external processor now. I don’t think I was one before. Sorry to everyone I annoyed! I will return to internal processing via writing now. It’s much better for me as I’m far more eloquent this way. However. It’s been a while (maybe over a year and a half?) since I sat down and properly faced my thoughts.

I’m always confused. My thoughts are way too fast for me to process. All my thoughts and emotions get jumbled up and I find myself never at peace, never having clarity. Like I’m breathing really fast yet I can never get enough air. Does that even make sense?

I stopped writing because I couldn’t anymore. Not because it hurt but because it didn’t. I had so much anger inside I swallowed it all up, breaking my heart and numbing the rest of me. I can’t quite explain it but I’ve been disconnected this whole time. I’m just a brain controlling my body, reacting as best as I can to the circumstances I am given. On a good day, anyway.

I’ve been doing my best on autopilot for a while in hopes that faking it will indeed mean making it. And you know what? It kind of worked. Of course, some nights it’s hard to sleep. Some nights it’s hard to breathe. But every night you make it through. I have a 100 percent rate of making it through the night.

Speaking of night, it is past midnight so I shall bid thee liquidguilters (?? I’ll come up with something better) a wonderful sleep.

Signing off for tonight, blog stylez,

Dnee (evolving brain)

every time i think of you i end up crying

it is april and my eyes are wide open

daydreaming about metropolitan cotton candy

lazing around, careless, sundazed

a hastily manufactured afterthought

stopping mid sentence

to gaze at cloudy skies and stars

seamless streams unbroken, forgotten



april, come it will

on quiet sunny days, seeping sunlight

leaking twilight skies

trail of words

trailing words

i can taste how much you loved me

how much you used to, anyway

aug 22, 2023

I think about writing nearly every day but before I can finish typing a sentence my fingers tremble so badly I need to stop. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, though sometimes that is the case. I think I have the opposite problem. My thoughts come too fast and disappear even faster. I wonder if it’s even worth trying to put my thoughts into words anymore. But the more I suppress my thoughts, the more they go ignored, the emptier I feel. It’s confusing because I feel empty yet I think I could explode at any moment. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do. Everything is flowing strangely. Time, words, thoughts. Flowing, overflowing, floating, untethered.

I haven’t written in almost a year. The hardest part is getting started, I suppose. So, this will be my first post. Hopefully, this short post will make me feel less invisible. I will try to write more. This is enough for today.

words i’ve been trying to say

tired of losing friends and losing sleep

tired of erasing all our memories

i want to blame you but it’s mostly me

hurting alone when i just want peace

but i’m in pieces, jesus, i’m on my knees

praying to god but i don’t believe – 

maybe salvation just isn’t for me

i use drugs so i can breathe. so i can sleep

it makes me weak

it’s just so easy

you know me, i like sweet dreams

i know it’s been like i’m stuck between

like i can’t really speak. like i can’t really reach

for words but i’m screaming underneath

all these tangled sheets

i feel so incomplete

writing poems i hope you see

but don’t confuse pain with poetry