those days are the hardest

tumblr_onwblkhEce1w0l6yoo1_640 Depression is a disease – a sickness that doesn’t go away with just chicken noodle soup. When the world is spinning and I feel like I can’t get back on my feet, I cannot tell people how I feel.

Sadness isn’t a feeling. It is a state. A constant mind-numbing state that drapes over me like a scarf that is too big – engulfing me with useless thoughts from the past. Remnants and echoes of “why are you here” and “you aren’t worth it” hang heavily around my neck, around my head, in my mouth and under my skin. Sadness feels like I am sitting at the bottom of the pool, watching the world go by in slow motion. You know that feeling when you’re underwater? When everything is muted, rippled, and stuck in time? Watching people wonder why I am just sitting and not swimming. Hearing people yell my name in frustration and tell me to “just swim.” How can I just swim when I’m stuck in a ripple?

Those days it’s hard for me to breathe. Those days I want to stay in bed all day and stare blankly at the ceiling in a dimly lit room. Yes, I would rather be wrapped around in blankets, than go out to parties because these blankets did not lie to me. These blankets did not leave me. And these blankets did not touch me without my permission.

The ruffles of these blankets have wiped away my tears, pushed away my fears in the dark, and hugged me until I fell asleep. The tears in the corner of these blankets have seen the world hurt me, have seen me hurt myself, and have felt me tugging and ripping at its seams as if they were my veins.

I want it to stop. I want this feeling of constant nothingness to go away. I want to stop breathing because, with every heave of my chest, I am just breathing in more water.

Those days it is so hard for me to breathe that I just want to stop breathing. I want it all to stop. Those days are the worst. Because no one ever gets it. “You were fine yesterday,” someone will mutter, and “It’s all in your head,” someone will state, with that matter-of-factually obnoxiousness that I have learned to ignore since the first day.

Those days I want to run and run and run away from the noise inside my head, from thoughts that trail after me like my shadow. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to hear. I only want to feel the thumps of my beating heart under my skin reminding me that I am alive.

The only thing depression taught me was this: people will say they love you and they support you and that they understand. They don’t. I realize that when I talk too much about my depression, people get uncomfortable. They try to butter me up with awkward ‘don’t you feel so much better today’s as if they can try to make me whole again. As if I’m something broken they think they can fix. But I’m not.

I am not broken. I am a person. I think, I feel, I am normal. Just a normal girl with perhaps too many feelings, too many thoughts – but a normal girl, nonetheless. Depression is a part of me that I’ve come to accept. Some days it’s easier to manage than others. Some days, my friends act like lifeboats and bring me above the surface. I can see the sun again. I can breathe again. Everything is fine again. But there will always be those dark, high tides that I cannot escape. I will plunge underwater and I will be pulled deep down again. But I will always find my way back to the lifeboats. I will always find my way to the surface.

To everyone: Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.

Think before you say something. Your words might be the last thing someone hears.

this is what love feels like

tumblr_pa2g9foC5m1xpqm9do1_1280

Don’t. Don’t burn those pictures.

Don’t throw away the precious memories you had- the moments filled with pure innocence and happiness. They’re wrong. You don’t have to forget to move on. Take those polaroid pictures out at 2 AM. Remember. Remember the way his lips felt, the tone of his voice, the softness of his warm brown eyes. Remember his gentle touch- his hands in your hair, his arms wrapped around your waist. Let your eyes well up at the thought of the moments that you cannot get back. This is what love feels like.

Love. This single word seems to be what defines our existence. Such a simple four-lettered word- how can it elicit so many feelings from each of us?

What do you think of when you think of love?

Do you think of rainy days spent curled on a cozy couch with him holding you? All the deep conversations that lasted till the AM? Laying down next to her, legs tangled, talking about where you wanted to live together? Do you remember how you felt, when she pressed her lips against your forehead? Do you remember how fast your heart was racing when you first kissed? Remember how nervous you were before you took off your clothes for the first time? He made you feel beautiful and safe. Do you remember her breath on your cheeks as she fell asleep next to you? You wished that moment could last forever.

Love is blinding. Love is passionate. Love is safe. Love is when you feel like you’re finally home. But love is also sorrow. It is heartbreak. It tears you apart. Love makes you sit waiting at 3 AM wondering when he will come home. Or if he will ever call. Love is broken promises. Love is tear-stained sleeves, empty mailboxes and lonely nights. Love tastes like cigarettes and mistakes. Love is crying yourself to sleep every night because the empty space on your bed matches your empty heart. But love makes you feel.

From the best of feelings to the worst, here are 37 statements from anonymous individuals (submitted both online and quoted in person) of all ages and their take on love.

1. “Duty to perform to yourself and to others with selflessness and with care.” – 10

2. “Love sucks.” – 17

3. “Love is innocence.” – 17

4. “Love isn’t how far you get, but how many obstacles you had to overcome to be where you are.” – 17

5. “Apparently, it’s the mind that falls in love and not the heart.” – 17

6. “When he scores a 4/5 on the list of things-I-don’t-want-my-boyfriend-to-be, but he’s still my ideal one.” – 17

7. “Love is an idea that we as humans should spread around the world, especially with all the violence going on, we forget simple things such as to love one another.” – 18

8. “The vision of imperfection being perfect, disregarding the flaws, no matter how bad they can be.” – 18

9. “It’s like when you look at them you feel like someone is physically gripping your heart. They have all the power over you. In a way it kind of hurts but in the best way it ever could.” – 18

10. “Love is patient, love is kind.” – 18

11. “Love is when someone chooses us over everyone else- under any circumstance” – 18

12. “Love is love is love.” – 18

13. “Love is subjective and overused, people mistreat it, abuse it, and fool around with it like some jiggly water balloon.” – 18

14. “Something that feels like home, gives you endless highs, but is the closest thing to death.” – 19

15. “Love is all about fucking.” – 19

16. “I don’t know what love is.” – 19

17. “Give and take.” – 19

18. “Unconditional.” – 19

19. “Not worth it.” – 19

20. “An overrated, intangible misconception that people still continuously search for.” – 19

21. “Love is letting him do it in the butt.” – 19

22. “Suffering for someone.” – 19

23. “Knowing that you can rely on this person more than you can rely on yourself.” -19

24. “A best friend.” – 19

25. “Love is not real.” – 20

26. “Loving you even after I saw your flaws.” – 20

27. “Love, easily, is pure honesty- with yourself and others. More importantly, love is psychosomatic, but that’s okay. After all, aren’t we allowed to make things up? – 21

28. “Fake, people settling for the best they can.” – 21

29. “Enhanced dopamine, overload of serotonin, and a fuckload of adrenaline.” – 21

30. “Socially constructed.” – 22

31. “Love is an unexplainable happiness that is experienced by someone and has no limit. It is unparalleled to any other feeling.” – 22

32. “What do the kids say these days? Swipe right? Or left?” – 41

33. “Love is like a candle, bright but full of tears.” – 43

34. “Love is selfless. When you love someone, you just want to love them, no need for them to return your love” – 45

35. “Never-ending.” – 46

36. “Loving something or someone else more than you love yourself.” – 47

37. “Love can be anything- seeing another person who means the world to you through how you perceive each other. Deep emotions.” – 70

After receiving all these answers, I still don’t have a definition for love.

But what I do know, is that love is everywhere. Love is when you spare a dollar for the homeless man who always sits by the corner store. Or when you hold the door open for someone. Love is when my roommate turns off the lights and pulls the covers on me when I accidentally fall asleep. Love is when my best friend shows up with a box of donuts. Love is when my little sister draws pictures of me. Love is “text me when you get back safely,” and “you’re such an idiot.” Love is losing yourself in someone like they are the ocean and you are desperate to drown.

— originally posted on The Odyssey Online

100 little things that matter

tumblr_nqxk18W2Sz1uosm2eo1_500 Are you noticing the person right in front of you?

How her eyes light up when she hears a Beatles song? Or how her nose crinkles when the waiter brings out a salad with those tomatoes that she hates? Do you remember the color of his pillows in the living room? Were they grey or mustard? Do you notice the little things? Like how your roommate always wears her ring on her pointer finger? Or how that girl in your discussion always looks down when she talks?

There is so much more to the world than just looking down at a lit up screen. Our phones were made so that we can stay connected to one another even if we’re halfway around the world away from each other. But it seems that now, we’re more disconnected than ever.

Look up at the world around you. Do you feel the fresh breeze ruffling your hair? Or are you too busy looking down? Do you hear chirping birds when you wake up? Or maybe the sound of morning people wandering by? Do you hear the distant chatter people make in a cafe? Or what about the sounds of the rumbling thunder in the distance?

Leave your phones at home. Go live life.

For those that need a reminder, these are some of the little things that matter in life.

1. The smell of rain

2. A fresh breeze

3. Really big dogs

4. Freshly baked cookies

5. Cinnamon toast crunch

6. Lemon cakes

7. An old childhood stuffed animal

8. Fresh ink on a piece of paper

9. Constellations

10. When class gets canceled

11. Going for a run by the Charles river

12. When warm coffee is filled to the brim and dribbles over the edge

13. Sinking into a soft, comfortable bed after a long day

14. Being engulfed by a huge hoodie

15. Finishing a tub of chunky monkey from Ben and Jerry’s

16. The smell of freshly baked cinnamon buns

17. A crisp twenty dollar bill

18. When the leaves change colors

19. A warm bowl of New England clam chowder soup

20. Looking down at the city from a Ferris wheel

21. Mac and cheese

22. Inside jokes with your best friend

23. Listening to old bands like MCR, Blink 182, A Day To Remember, or Linkin Park

24. Burying yourself in a good book

25. Scenic late night drives

26. The weightless feeling of floating on water

27. Pancakes with butter and syrup

28. Sunsets

29. Sitting by the fireplace during a snowy night

30. Dainty wildflowers that grow by the side of the road

31. That perfect harmony your local choir makes

32. Vanilla milkshakes and fries

33. When your favorite ice cream place gives you an extra scoop for free

34. Singing at the top of your lungs

35. Feeling the warm sun on your skin

36. Hot air balloon rides

37. Hamster wheels

38. Hazlenut froyo with Reeses’ peanut butter cups

39. Oreos and warm milk

40. Late night car talks

41. The smell of fresh laundry

42. Motivational posters

43. Shooting stars

44. Tasting the caramel at the bottom of your macchiato

45. Saving that 4% of battery left on your phone to text goodnight to a special someone

46. Tiny corner bookstores

47. Waffles (with melted butter in the holes)

48. Streets lit only by the glow of fairy lights

49. A cute mug

50. Concerts

51. Disneyland in the summer

52. Secret handshakes

53. When babies laugh

54. That feeling when someone holds you

55. “Let me know when you get back”

56. The way a new phone charger still coils up

57. When you receive letters and postcards in the mail

58. Weddings

59. The perfect ratio of peanut butter and jelly

60. Reruns of Friends

61. Chicken noodle soup

62. When you’re sick and someone takes care of you

63. When you draw a perfectly straight line without using a ruler

64. Cloudy skies

65. The sound of the ice cream truck

66. When the vending machine gives you an extra pretzel M&Ms

67. Red Christmas editions of Starbucks cups

68. Purple LED lights

69. “Yeah you can have the rest of my fries”

70. Bouncy house castles

71. Little kids holding hands

72. The perfect ratio of milk and cereal

73. Dressing right for the weather without checking

74. Sweater weather

75. Fluffy hotel towels

76. Sleeping on clean sheets

77. A really shiny quarter

78. Putting on warm socks right after they come out of the dryer

79. The perfect work out playlist

80. When the jelly oozes out of the donut

81. When people laugh at your jokes (like actually)

82. Late night walks on empty roads

83. The sounds of church bells ringing

84. Daisies

85. When you see the first snowflake fall

86. New stationery

87. Polaroid pictures

88. “I miss you more”

89. Hot chocolate with whipped cream, fudge, and cocoa powder

90. When sunlight seeps in under the curtains

91. Red gummy bears

92. When a friend can tell when you need a hug

93. When your roommate brings you breakfast

94. When you (finally) find a pair of matching socks

95. The smell of vanilla candles

96. Warm honey and lemon tea

97. Perfectly aligned books on a shelf

98. Champagne flutes

99. Old couples holding hands

100. When someone tucks you into bed

— originally posted on The Odyssey Online