Tag: naked truths

naked truths iv

i haven’t been doing well lately

i’m cold all the time

i just want some peace and quiet

the days are bleeding into each other

it is getting harder to breathe

i could drown if i wanted

i starve myself sometimes so i can pretend the emptiness is from my stomach and not from my soul

i am hurting inside

but i’m also numb and… really angry

i am so angry it scares me

i want to destroy things myself thingsmyselfthings myself

i don’t want to die

there is so much hate in my heart and guilt in my veins

i want someone to punch me really hard in the stomach so i can throw up my feelings my guilt my hurt my emptiness

the world is moving too fast and all i can do is stare blankly

i am screaming inside

i just want to fall asleep but i’m afraid of waking up

i’m angry and scared always so fucking cold

it is 5:19 a.m. and everything is blurry and muted and distant

i think i am lonely

there is an immense sadness inside me that i cannot shake

naked truths

Hello. Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. Just not really sure what to say. I’ve been trying to figure out what to write and how to portray myself. Which, is strange, I know, because this is my own blog. I’m trying to be as transparent as possible; which, again, is for my own good. But I’m also afraid. How can I post online the things I’m too scared to admit out loud?

On this blog, I have introduced myself over and over again. Through my About Me page, various poems, articles — nothing seems to be enough. Why do I keep trying to define myself? I have so many answers but I crave more.

This post will be hard truths. Naked truths.

Thank you for reading.

  • I’ve started to bite my nails again because I’m anxious all the time.
  • It gives me something to do in the moment, but when I have a panic attack, I have nothing to cling on.
  • To clarify: I scratch myself sometimes or clench my fists really tight so my nails cut into my skin. The pain grounds me.
  • It’s not self-harm if I don’t bleed, right?
  • Describing anxiety is difficult.
  • I can’t breathe.
  • I feel trapped.
  • I’m tumbling down a neverending staircase.
  • It really fucking pisses me off when people pretend to understand or belittle what I’m feeling.
  • I wish I were prettier.
  • I feel invalidated.
  • I miss my dad.
  • Today, I had a panic attack in the bathroom but I didn’t tell anyone because they always respond with “I’m sorry,” and I can’t be fixed.
  • I wish my boyfriend liked Thai food. It’s the only part of Thai culture that still resonates with me. I don’t want to lose that.
  • I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Nothing nothing nothing.
  • Feelings: numbness, sadness, guilt, sleepy, tired, shaky, uncertain, unsteady, lonely, lost. Unsatisfied.
  • My therapist talks too much about herself.
  • I get urges to starve myself sometimes. So, if I’m weak, it will be because of a lack of food and not because I was up crying all night.
  • For someone who talks about dying a lot, I’m actually scared of death. Where do we go?
  • I don’t think that I will ever be enough.
  • I don’t know why I make my own standards so high. I know that people love me. I know that they think I’m enough. Why do I still feel this way?
  • I really want to take sleeping pills but I sort of overdosed and the doctor said I can’t anymore. Also, I’m on my way to liver failure.
  • I want to love myself but I don’t know how.