Tag: love yourself

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black and blue

still stains my skin

still stains my soul

from nights i don’t want to remember

nights i cannot seem to forget

why do i do this to myself?

 

my fault

always my fault

i wanted it to be good

i wanted to be good

 

i keep sinking

into this hole i keep digging

the hole inside my heart

somehow keeps expanding

 

you call it art

but it tears me apart

inside, always keeping it

inside

 

— i am falling apart

 

solid ground

Apr 5, 2018 – 10:34PM

Skinny Love – Birdy

I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately, like something is wrong but not quite enough for me to say I’m depressed, because I’m not, trust me. I’m not depressed. But something is a little off. And I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like an empty shell, moving about day to day without really paying attention to what’s going on. I feel almost guilty for feeling dissatisfied with my life.

There’s this sense of familiarity with everything I do – wake up, go to class, go to the gym (sometimes), Netflix, homework (sometimes), and sleep. Oh, and all the meals (and things with friends) in between that. This pretty much is my every day routine. It’s not a terrible one, right? I mean, I think it’s pretty well-rounded.

But one day, as I was standing in the shower watching the warm droplets glide down my arms and stomach, I was struck with this sensation. Like something was wrong. I still don’t know how to describe it. It was almost a reminder – a slap in the face, perhaps, mocking me for how hard I’m always trying. No matter how many extracurricular activities I surround myself with, I’m always filled with this almost-guilt – what if it isn’t enough?

I feel like it’s middle school again, it’s the first day of school, and I’m surrounded by a sea of strangers. I feel like it’s the first time I’m about to fly thousands of miles alone to a foreign country. I feel like it’s the first time I’m leaving home, but I’m not. I feel like it is the first time having sex and I’m scared and nervous. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I’m watching the world go by in slow motion yet time is passing so quickly – there aren’t enough hours in a day. I feel stuck. Guilty? Lonely. Unmotivated. Confused. Uncomfortable. Unsettled. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost.

My only two rules in life are to be kind and to do things out of love. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of this feeling of almost-guilt, this vulnerability – I will never be able to erase how lost I feel. And I’m scared. That even now, at 18, everything seems to be so in place, yet I feel like the world will swallow me whole at any given moment.

I am looking for solid ground. I can’t find it. Will I be feeling this way when I’m 28? 40? Lost. I am so lost.

a letter to my future self

I was looking through some of my notes and found this lovely gem that I wrote to myself. God, I’m so weird sometimes.

I was debating whether or not to post this… But since I’m trying to be more honest here I figured, eh why not? So, dear readers, here is a little peek inside my head. Enjoy.

Hey me, whaddup? This has been such a recurring trend that honestly I really love. How are you feeling? Think carefully about the answer because you can’t bullshit me (well, yourself, really). If you aren’t feeling too good – DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. You’re always feeling sad. This is not a bad thing. It is a fact. Now the good thing is that you’re so much more prepared than the average girl. You’ve got this and you know it. Take a deep breath. Try to center yourself. Feel your eyes follow every curve and line on this page. Breathe in and out as you trace your eyes on the motion of the words. You are okay. You are okay. Mom and dad love you so much. Past you loves you so much! Barry Allen loves you so much! If you’re still into that… Which I hope you are. Please don’t forget to pick up a book sometime! You know how much you love that. Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t like for people who do not care about you. People are so fucking stupid, but you know what? You can ignore them. Stay inside. Treat yourself. Take care of yourself! Stop putting others ahead of you, okay? The world is a terrible place sometimes, but you are so strong. You are going to make it. Now matter how low you think you’ve dropped, you can always pick yourself up and try again. You can do this. Just take a deep breath. Take it day by day. Don’t forget to look up. Look at the stars once in a while. Appreciate life and all it has to offer. You are lucky, you are loved.

 

Love, September 28, 2017 me

 

P.S. Go to the gym too – run on the track, it’s sooo healthy

P.S.S. Call dad sometime

If you liked this post, check out part 2 of “a letter to my future self” here. Thanks for reading!