d.

She was the type of girl you’d see from miles away.

Always sharply dressed and put together. She was cool. And stylish. And she would never look at you. At least that’s what you think.

She’s always laughing with her friends. An inside joke, probably.

In a sea of 350 students, all you can see is her.

You sigh and keep on staring. She notices you and her lips curve up, giving you a half-smile. She looked confused but not creeped out so that’s good.

After the lecture ends you want to say something to her. Anything.

You know she’s always the last one to leave, always forgetting her phone. Silly girl.

You smile fondly at the girl whose name you do not know. But you feel like you know her.

You stand by the door, lost in thought. Black boots approach you.

Could it be…? This is the moment you have been waiting for all semester.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hey,” you reply.

She waits for you to respond and when you don’t, she looks away. She probably thinks you are dumb and you have no idea what to say next.

You have been imagining this moment a million times, maybe more. But your legs turn into jelly because her gaze is on you and you are so awkward and she is like sunshine.

The silence lingers on and your face turns red.

“Your shoes!” You blurt out.

“What?”

She cocks her head to the side, her brown eyes wide with confusion.

God, she is so beautiful.

“Your shoes- they’re nice,” you stammer.

“Oh, um. Thanks,” she smiles and looks down at her feet.

A lock of her dark hair falls onto her face and it takes everything out of you to not tuck her soft curl back behind her ear.

“I’m late for my next class,” she says.

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you around.”

She smiles at you again and walks out the door.

You leave in opposite directions.

When you hear her footsteps getting fainter and fainter, you turn around to catch a glimpse of her one last time.

Your heart skips a beat when you see that she is already looking at you.

— for Dena, the girl everyone sees from miles away

love & guilt

I don’t think I express enough gratitude. My thoughts are so muddled sometimes and life just moves so fast that I never have enough time to just sit down and reflect on how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. Sometimes I get scared thinking about how much people actually care about me. Partially, because I always feel so guilty. Who am I, and why do I deserve your love? I spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence really loathing my existence. I mean, I’m just me, right? I wonder if they realize that I don’t have much to offer them. I’m not even that funny or smart. I’m just me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way – I shouldn’t feel guilty that I’ve accepted the love I’ve been given. But I just can’t help it.

I just feel so silly writing about all of this because I’ve been trying so hard with the whole self-love thing. I always talk about how much better life is for me now that I’ve started writing more and getting more in touch with myself. But the truth is, it’s always going to be hard. I’ll always have to try to make a conscientious effort to take care of myself. Sure, it gets a little easier, but it’s never going to be easy breezy. I don’t know what’s with me – I’m always going through ups and downs and confused in-betweens. This is just one of those.

I’m not quite sure whether or not I’ll post this, but when I first started this blog, I wanted to be completely myself and completely honest. This is my safe place. I know this entire post sounds as though I’m complaining about wow all the love I’ve been given and wow so many people love me. I promise that’s not what I meant at all. I’m so thankful. It’s just hard to accept sometimes.

So, *ahem* as the sole inhabitant of this safe place, I loudly and proudly announce: I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life – I have sweet sisters, close friends who have my back, and a best friend who always supports me. A boyfriend who always makes me feel safe. I’m grateful for all the love I’ve received from this world – God knows I don’t deserve it, but I have it and I am thankful.

Okay, that’s all for tonight! Thanks for reading my ramblings, I’m gonna go hide in a hole now, bye! X

just a crayon

My fault.

It’s always my fault. This phrase has been ingrained in my mind ever since the third grade. I had borrowed my friend’s favorite green crayon and lost it. We both lost something that day. I lost a friend, and she lost a crayon. I cried and pleaded with her to stop being angry with me. I even ran to the store to get her a new one (for $1.75). She eventually forgave me after that, but things were never the same since then.

Everybody leaves. It’s inevitable, really. I know that by now. And with every passing person that discards me, it gets a little easier. It hurts a little less.

I have lost so many best friends over the past eighteen years of my life. I have lost so many friends I used to call family. But I suppose, if I’ve lost them, then maybe they weren’t family after all.

Maybe it was me, maybe it was them – maybe it was a number of factors that I could have never understood or the timing “just wasn’t right.” I know that a lot of times people make decisions, it is based on them – it isn’t really about me at all. But what if it is about me? What if I said too many things – too many stupid things that I couldn’t take back?

Sometimes I wonder if people can be addicted to being alone. It’s easy, you know? To live life so unafraid of what other people think because no matter what they say, they don’t truly know you. But here’s the truth. I am afraid. I am so afraid that I am the reason that people leave. That all my failed relationships and friendships have been snuffed out because of me.

What if it is my fault? What if this whole time I’ve been trying to blame external factors when it just simply is my fault? Then what? Tell me, dear readers, because I am stuck. Tell me what I can do, what I can say to make everything better because this time, I don’t think it’s going to be just a crayon that I am losing.