Tag: friends

quotes

“i like your toes because they’re cute and they’re yours” – joe

“fuck me in the ass because i love jesus” – dena

“i want an in-unit washer and dryer for my birthday” – me

“your record for getting through hard days is 100%” – jen

“you guys i had a dream that i snorted cocaine” – dena

“are you coffee beans cause you just got roasted” – kristen

“when you’re not sober, time moves in waves, like lasers. It’s like 2D versus 3D.” – me, stoned

“yeah, it’s like squares and then triangles. Or circles, then ovals.” – dena, stoned

“when we think we know but we don’t actually know, because when we know, we know.” – dena, stoned

“you are not a sir, you are a serf.” – kristen

“you are not a mister, you are a mistake.” – kristen

“as springtime approaches, crushing suicidal thoughts give way to more light hearted and carefree suicidal thoughts.” – ken m (@horseysurpeise on Twitter)

“I won’t be in class today due to unexpected mental breakdowns… I guess I deserve a 0 for not being able to handle my own depression.” – me in an email to my professor

“What if I show up [to an exam] and tell him I wanna die lol” “he’d have you committed” – me and kristen

“It’s like you came out of the screen and stabbed me in the heart and it hurt. But in a good way.” – me, about kristen

“Dnee… I have arthritis” “oh my god we need to tell them” “no dude… I don’t have arthritis” – me and Dena’s sense of humor

“If you can’t love a man, think like one. That’s the formula.” – Dena

gratitude

I don’t know what it is with me lately. One moment I’m completely fine — happy, even. Another moment, I feel as if my whole world has been torn apart. I have been getting this strange feeling of, not quite an uncertainty, but an almost-uncertainty. I don’t know how to put it in words.

I feel like a stranger in my own body. Like I’m in a room full of people and it’s the first day of school again and no one looks familiar. Sometimes, when I lie awake at night, I feel so lost. When warm arms hold me close, I feel safe until the thoughts start creeping in. Then, I feel lonely. Empty. Lost. I realize that everything is temporary. This blanket of safety and security is temporary.

This is not meant to be a sad post. Just one of acceptance. Maybe things don’t get better. Maybe I’ll feel this way the rest of my life – a life that I am incredibly grateful to have had.

My life is full of tickles and laughs. Kisses and cuddles. Purrs and piles of clothes. But it also full of uncertainty. Of fear and anxiety. Of sadness and loneliness.

When I journal or blog, I only write about my negative emotions. But I think I’m going to try writing about being happy. I don’t know if I can do it, but I want to. As much as I’ve accepted the way things are, somehow, there’s still a tiny sliver of hope left in me that things actually might get better.

Yes, things are shittier now than they have been when I was 16. Things are messier and more complex. But in a way, I have never felt more whole. I guess it’s all part of becoming an adult.

I want to be better. I want to love life all the time. I want to be happy. So, I am going to actively try to appreciate and love life.

Here are the people who make me smile – the people who make me feel a little less uncertain about where I’m supposed to be.

I’m grateful for Dena. She always manages to pull me out of my never-ending dark hole of a mind. I’m thankful that she understands me and supports me no matter what.
I’m grateful for Sabti and his energy and positivity. He reminds me of what it is like to live life again. I’m grateful for all my friends – Dena, Sabti, Kristen, Bennett – and I love them for always sticking up for me and caring about me.
I’m grateful for Joe and his unwavering support, even in trying times. I’m grateful that he wakes me up every morning, makes me food, and I’m thankful for how patient he’s been with me. Even though honestly, I’ve been a total bitch these days (so sorry, baby).
I’m grateful for all the love that he gives – to me and the cats. For his open-mindedness and hope for the future. He always says, “it’s all going to be okay.” And I believe him.

Thank you for reading! Let me know how you try to stay positive in the comments section.