There’s a spot right under my left cheek that stings when I cry. For some reason, more tears come out of my left eye. Some people don’t know which of their eyes cry more.

Not that it’s useful knowledge, but it is useful to know which side to lay on so no one can see you crying. For instance, I’ll lay on my left side with my left hand tucked underneath the pillow and my right hand on top of the pillow. So, if I start crying, my tears will roll right into the pillow. 

Sometimes, I can feel a breakdown coming. You know, like how some people can tell it’s about to rain (how do they do that?) Anyway, those days that I do know, I won’t eat because crying always makes me want to throw up.

I’m fine. That’s what I’ve been telling myself. That’s what I’ve been telling everyone else. But I, in fact, am not fine. I’ve been pushing and pushing myself and I think I’m teetering over the edge. At this point, I’d welcome the fall with open arms. No more hurting.

I’ve never been suicidal. At least, not really. All I want to do is disappear. To stop hurting. When I say I want to give up, I don’t think I mean like, I want to kill myself. I mean. Maybe I would if I could. But I can’t. Why? Because I’m a coward. It’s that simple. I faint at the sight of blood. So we can cross off guns, knives, and like 12 more things, probably. My knees get shaky when an elevator goes up more than six levels. Womp, there goes that rooftop idea. (But I was never really considering that because, c’mon, think of the clean-up crew. God, what a terrible memory to have imprinted in your mind).

Honestly, I don’t think I care enough to actually go through with the aforementioned “acts.” I just don’t feel anything anymore. Fifty percent of the day I’m just tired and the other fifty, bored. I never feel anything in the moment anymore. My feelings are ugly, hairy spiders jammed into a small glass cage – just waiting waiting waiting for that teeny crack in the cage so that they can all come crawling out.

How do you tell someone you love that you want to die but you love them so much but you’re so sorry because they are so sweet and they love you so much but sometimes they just aren’t enough to keep you alive? How? 

I am cracking.

— sorry this is such a shitty post it’s just that I don’t care anymore