nina

I don’t think I’m a good sister.

I never have been. 

Sara turned 12 last November, and Nina is turning 17 in three days. Seven-teen. That’s crazy. My annoying baby sister. An adult. And I didn’t even get to see her change and grow into the woman that she is becoming.

I left home when I was 16. I thought I knew what I was doing. I really did. But it turns out, I didn’t. When I turned 17-18-19, I still thought I knew what I was doing or I knew that it was all going to make sense sometime soon. Now that I’m nearing 20, I realize that I don’t know anything at all. 

When I first left, I often looked back at my time in Bangkok as something that I could leave behind. As if Bangkok was a phase I was meant to come out of. I didn’t fit in with anyone anyway. Other than the small number of real friends that I had, I truly could not care less about anyone else. Even my family. Which sounds terrible, I know. But I didn’t really acknowledge anyone’s existence until I was 14 (probably). Not in like, a really bad way, I just didn’t care about anything and assumed that no one would understand me. You know, typical angsty teenager stuff (that lasted way longer than it was supposed to).

I was raised on Scholastic books, Geronimo Stilton, Judy Blume, and Powerpuff Girls. I didn’t understand any of the Thai slang or references, nor did I care to. Many of my friends were raised more “international” too but they were able to integrate into Thai culture just fine.

I don’t know why I assumed my sister would be like the rest of them when we were raised the same way.

I was mean to her. Really, really mean to her. I ignored her all the time, I’d run away from her, lie to her, and hurt her. My mom always said that we should love one another because, in the end, all we have is each other. I think that this statement was the only good advice that my mother has ever given me.

Nina and I would have our fun every now and then but we would always fight. Not the usual sibling kind, I don’t think. I absolutely hated my sister. I don’t know why. 

We’re really close now, because of all the family drama (and also because she’s mature and doesn’t want to steal my books), but mostly because we understand one another. I don’t think I really gave myself a chance to get to know her and see her as this amazing human being until sort of recently. 

Now, I fondly look back on my time in Bangkok. All of my cherished memories of Thailand are because of her. All those years spent perfecting the art of hot chocolate when it rained (3 tablespoons of sugar, 1 1/2 cup of milk), trying to get the microphone to work when Dad wanted us to sing. All those hours spent learning how to bike and getting skinned knees. I always cried. Nina never did.

She was always the strong one. She always took the blame for every single terrible thing I did. For everything Sara did. Mom always blamed her, even if she wasn’t part of the situation at all. That’s part of being the middle child, I guess. 

And that is why I am a bad sister. I should’ve said something. I should’ve stood up for her. I’m the big sister. I was supposed to protect her. I still am supposed to protect her. 

I was never on her side. But she was always on mine.

She always believed in me. It was her that inspired me to keep writing. She’s always loved my stories. All the terrible horror stories, cliche stories, sappy YA stories… She’s supported me through it all. She always told me she loved me. Always got sad when I didn’t say it back.

She was the one who held my hand the first time I saved up money to get a diagnosis at the psychiatric ward. As we were leaving the psych wing, she stopped me. She didn’t say anything. She pulled me close and buried her head against my shoulder. She had to bend down because she was taller than me.

We were both crying silently. It was in that moment, that I realized how special our bond was and how I have been taking her for granted my whole life.

She’s turning 17 in three days. And I’m sitting here, almost 9000 miles away, wondering if it is too late for me to give her the love she deserves.

a letter to my body

Dear body,

Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for being strong even though I never really treated you well. I’m sorry for all the little accidents, like tripping and hurting you. Or burning you when I baked those Christmas cookies. Do you remember that? Of course, you do, you remember everything. But those were accidents and I know you forgave me for them. Sometimes I hurt you on purpose too. And you still forgave me. I’m so sorry for all the scars. For all the smoke and poison that I forced you to take. Sometimes, I just feel so trapped in my mind that I have to take it out on you. That was unfair of me and I shouldn’t have done it. I know that now. I’m sorry for all the shit I put into you – all the junk and sugar that you did not deserve. I’m sorry I starved you because of someone else’s words. You only wanted to be strong and protect me. I’m sorry for not seeing your worth. For looking in the mirror and thinking too fat or too ugly. I’m sorry I covered you up with makeup. I’m sorry I let other people touch you even though you didn’t want them to. I’m sorry for everything. I’ll try harder, I promise. You’ve taken care of me my whole life. Now, it’s my turn to take care of you.

Love,

     Me

d.

She was the type of girl you’d see from miles away.

Always sharply dressed and put together. She was cool. And stylish. And she would never look at you. At least that’s what you think.

She’s always laughing with her friends. An inside joke, probably.

In a sea of 350 students, all you can see is her.

You sigh and keep on staring. She notices you and her lips curve up, giving you a half-smile. She looked confused but not creeped out so that’s good.

After the lecture ends you want to say something to her. Anything.

You know she’s always the last one to leave, always forgetting her phone. Silly girl.

You smile fondly at the girl whose name you do not know. But you feel like you know her.

You stand by the door, lost in thought. Black boots approach you.

Could it be…? This is the moment you have been waiting for all semester.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hey,” you reply.

She waits for you to respond and when you don’t, she looks away. She probably thinks you are dumb and you have no idea what to say next.

You have been imagining this moment a million times, maybe more. But your legs turn into jelly because her gaze is on you and you are so awkward and she is like sunshine.

The silence lingers on and your face turns red.

“Your shoes!” You blurt out.

“What?”

She cocks her head to the side, her brown eyes wide with confusion.

God, she is so beautiful.

“Your shoes- they’re nice,” you stammer.

“Oh, um. Thanks,” she smiles and looks down at her feet.

A lock of her dark hair falls onto her face and it takes everything out of you to not tuck her soft curl back behind her ear.

“I’m late for my next class,” she says.

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you around.”

She smiles at you again and walks out the door.

You leave in opposite directions.

When you hear her footsteps getting fainter and fainter, you turn around to catch a glimpse of her one last time.

Your heart skips a beat when you see that she is already looking at you.

 

— for Dena, the girl everyone sees from miles away

I’m not really in the mood for writing but I figured if I started, things would just get flowing. I had an exam today that I thought I was unprepared for but it turned out better than I thought, so that’s good. I still have a bunch of work piling up and I’m not so sure what to do. I want to take a break from school and from life but it seems like I’m always taking a break even though I don’t feel like I am. Joe says it helps to make to-do lists. He made me a pretty pink smoothie today. I’ve been on my new medication for about a week now and I do think it’s helping but I still need more time to adjust. As I was studying yesterday, I realized that, in the grand scheme of things, this moment is very small and I probably won’t even remember it. And I should focus on the important things that make me happy. Sometimes I get sidetracked. Life just gets in the way. I took two naps today and I’m still tired. Every morning when I wake up, the only thing that gets me through the day is the thought of coming back home to sleep. I want to feel inspired again but I don’t know how. At least that’s a step towards somewhere, right? I need affirmation that everything is going to be okay because I don’t know if it is. I’ve lost a lot of myself and I don’t know how to get her back. I just don’t know anything anymore.

31 October​​ 2018

I don’t feel so bad today. I think.

I woke up at 9:30 a.m. and decided not to go to my bio lecture because I think that it is a waste of my time. I hate biology.

I ate cheerios and immediately felt guilty afterward.

I submitted my essay to the very nice professor who granted me an extension (I told him about my crippling depression). Which made me realize that I should probably be asking for more help.

I told Her Campus about my crippling depression too (ironic because I’m working on the mental health campaign). So they’re giving me time off.

I finally have an appointment tomorrow with BU’s student health services so I guess I’ll finally have help (??).

I keep having nightmares that leave me panic-stricken in the middle of the night. I always feel guilty for waking Joe up but it is so hard for me to fall back asleep. His breathing helps steady mine.

I can’t remember the last time I called my dad and I always feel guilty thinking about it. I can’t call him yet – he’ll ask me how things are and I can never lie to him. But I can’t tell him how much I’m struggling because I need to prove to him that I can be an independent adult.

I have an article I’m supposed to write for my journalism class that’s due in a couple of days. I like this class a lot. And my professor is incredibly inspiring. But I’m scared of all the deadlines I will miss because of my mental health. I haven’t missed any yet because I’m really pushing myself.

This post sucks but it made me feel a little bit better so I guess that’s okay. I still feel incredibly lost but I’m trying.

-D

 

*I realized after I posted this that today was Halloween. So, Happy Halloween! It’s kinda sad that I forgot actually, it’s one of my favorite holidays.

the truth

I haven’t been feeling so great lately.

Mental health has always been something that I’ve talked about as a thing of the past. But it isn’t. Not at all. I’ve had my fair share of relapses, but every time I sink a little deeper, I know that I can make my way up. I’m not so sure this time.

I don’t know what’s happening. I feel like I am trying so hard to be okay because I know it isn’t easy for the people around me. And it sure as hell isn’t easy for me either. All the days have blended in with one another and I feel as if I am losing myself. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep forever. But I know that I can’t. I know that I have responsibilities. I’m supposed to go to college and get straight A’s. Be a good role model for my younger sisters. My parents have invested in me. My family looks up to me. I want to give up. But I can’t.

At the same time, I don’t want to give up. I’m grateful for my life. It’s been a good one. To Nina, Sara, Joe, and Dena: thank you for always supporting me and taking care of me. I hope I haven’t taken anything for granted. I love all of you so much. But I’m not so sure that I can be fixed. I’m not so sure I even have the energy to want to be fixed. I just don’t know anything anymore.

How do you tell people who love you that you can’t do this anymore? That you are just so so tired? That you just want to sink deeper and deeper into yourself until you disappear? That you just. want. to. sleep.

You can’t.

The point of this blog is for me to get my feelings out and to tell the truth. For the longest time, I thought that I always had to write something happy – people love reading happy stories, right? Or if I wrote something sad, it would have to be about how “things are so much better now” or how I learned so much or how I suddenly discovered myself.

But that is not what this post is. I haven’t reached any sort of resolution or conclusion. I’m more lost than I have ever been before. I need help and I don’t know how to get it. I’m tired of trying.

a letter to my madness

Dear Madness,

sad rain girl

The days keep getting harder and harder. I really wish we weren’t this sad. I know that we’re in this together and that we should work together to make things right. But you make it so damn hard for me to want to help when all you do is fuck everything up. I don’t know what to say to you because I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to be enough. I’m tired. Please stop making me go through this again. Everything hurts and this is unfair. I want to enjoy life. I want to wake up early and drink orange juice and pet my kittens and go to bed without waking up and crying in the middle of the night. I’ve accepted you, I’ve reasoned with you, I’ve made you almost disappear a couple of times. Don’t I get points for that? I have taken you home with me and introduced you to my family. They’ve accepted you too. Why isn’t that enough for you? Why do you keep coming back to haunt me? You’ve been my shadow for a long long time now. I’ve gotten too used to you. Please leave me alone.

— Spilled

12:56 p.m.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of never knowing what to say, of saying too much, of saying not enough. I’ve been having such a hard time being back in Boston and I don’t know why. I can’t focus on one thing for long enough, it’s as if I no longer care. I keep messing up over and over and over again. I’m unhappy. I don’t want to wake up. And I feel ungrateful for feeling all of these things because it seems like this, right now, is all I’ve ever wanted in my life. Is there something so fundamentally wrong with me that I can’t appreciate what life has given me? I should be used to feeling this way. I should know how to deal with this. But I feel so lost right now because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when 2 a.m. depression hits me in the middle of the day.

I’m tired.

love & guilt

I don’t think I express enough gratitude. My thoughts are so muddled sometimes and life just moves so fast that I never have enough time to just sit down and reflect on how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. Sometimes I get scared thinking about how much people actually care about me. Partially, because I always feel so guilty. Who am I, and why do I deserve your love?  I spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence really loathing my existence. I mean, I’m just me, right? I wonder if they realize that I don’t have much to offer them. I’m not even that funny or smart. I’m just me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way – I shouldn’t feel guilty that I’ve accepted the love I’ve been given. But I just can’t help it.

I just feel so silly writing about all of this because I’ve been trying so hard with the whole self-love thing. I always talk about how much better life is for me now that I’ve started writing more and getting more in touch with myself. But the truth is, it’s always going to be hard. I’ll always have to try to make a conscientious effort to take care of myself. Sure, it gets a little easier, but it’s never going to be easy breezy. I don’t know what’s with me – I’m always going through ups and downs and confused in-betweens. This is just one of those.

I’m not quite sure whether or not I’ll post this, but when I first started this blog, I wanted to be completely myself and completely honest. This is my safe place. I know this entire post sounds as though I’m complaining about wow all the love I’ve been given and wow so many people love me. I promise that’s not what I meant at all. I’m so thankful. It’s just hard to accept sometimes.

So, *ahem* as the sole inhabitant of this safe place, I loudly and proudly announce: I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life – I have sweet sisters, close friends who have my back, and a best friend who always supports me. A boyfriend who always makes me feel safe. I’m grateful for all the love I’ve received from this world – God knows I don’t deserve it, but I have it and I am thankful.

 

Okay, that’s all for tonight! Thanks for reading my ramblings, I’m gonna go hide in a hole now, bye! X

 

 

 

 

 

ii. a letter to my future self

tumblr_oza4b92CHB1wc2gv3o1_1280Hi readers! Since most of you were delighted by my previous “letter to my future self,” I thought why not post another one? This post actually predates the last one (I know I know I know I know, I suck.) But this one was salvaged from my old bedroom in Bangkok, and I believe it was written during the spring break of my senior year in high school.

Also, I’ll have you know that I am thoroughly embarrassed by these posts. Writing used to be something that helped me express myself in a way that I wanted people to see me, i.e. mysterious, cool. Alas my writing has its limitations and I can only be fake cool for so long. Yes, I surrender to the cool gods. You guys win. Revel in it.

Anyway, welcome to my mind. It’s a fun place.


10 March 2017

Dear me,

How are you? I hope people are still asking you that. You’re probably in college and you’re back for break…? As of now, I don’t know where I want to go yet, but no matter where you chose, it was a good choice. If not, nothing’s permanent! Hey, transferring is always an option. I hope that you are happy and you are safe. Knowing you (AKA myself), I know that you are unafraid to throw yourself out there to experience all the possibilities of life. But please be careful because there are people out there who love you. Dad, mom, Nina, Sara – even little grandma. Are you still writing? I sure hope you are because words are so so powerful (but you know that). Please don’t forget to push a little harder. Things sometimes don’t work out, but you KNOW that you can do this. I hope that you are where you want to be.

Remember: if you don’t like something, change it. And if you can’t change it, accept it. Be honest. Especially to yourself. All wounds heal. And you’re never ever alone. I hope you go home each night to a warm bed and maybe someone’s arms – and safe. You are important. And you are loved. Take care of yourself.

Love,

Me at 17 xx

 


Post-letter thoughts (present day)

Should I respond to these letters? I feel rude. Even if it is to myself. Is this stupid? Am I crazy? Please let me know if I should respond to my past self. Thanks for reading!

this is what love feels like

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Don’t. Don’t burn those pictures.

Don’t throw away the precious memories you had- the moments filled with pure innocence and happiness. They’re wrong. You don’t have to forget to move on. Take those polaroid pictures out at 2 AM. Remember. Remember the way his lips felt, the tone of his voice, the softness of his warm brown eyes. Remember his gentle touch- his hands in your hair, his arms wrapped around your waist. Let your eyes well up at the thought of the moments that you cannot get back. This is what love feels like.

Love. This single word seems to be what defines our existence. Such a simple four-lettered word- how can it elicit so many feelings from each of us?

What do you think of when you think of love?

Do you think of rainy days spent curled on a cozy couch with him holding you? All the deep conversations that lasted till the AM? Laying down next to her, legs tangled, talking about where you wanted to live together? Do you remember how you felt, when she pressed her lips against your forehead? Do you remember how fast your heart was racing when you first kissed? Remember how nervous you were before you took off your clothes for the first time? He made you feel beautiful and safe. Do you remember her breath on your cheeks as she fell asleep next to you? You wished that moment could last forever.

Love is blinding. Love is passionate. Love is safe. Love is when you feel like you’re finally home. But love is also sorrow. It is heartbreak. It tears you apart. Love makes you sit waiting at 3 AM wondering when he will come home. Or if he will ever call. Love is broken promises. Love is tear-stained sleeves, empty mailboxes and lonely nights. Love tastes like cigarettes and mistakes. Love is crying yourself to sleep every night because the empty space on your bed matches your empty heart. But love makes you feel.

From the best of feelings to the worst, here are 37 statements from anonymous individuals (submitted both online and quoted in person) of all ages and their take on love.

1. “Duty to perform to yourself and to others with selflessness and with care.” – 10

2. “Love sucks.” – 17

3. “Love is innocence.” – 17

4. “Love isn’t how far you get, but how many obstacles you had to overcome to be where you are.” – 17

5. “Apparently, it’s the mind that falls in love and not the heart.” – 17

6. “When he scores a 4/5 on the list of things-I-don’t-want-my-boyfriend-to-be, but he’s still my ideal one.” – 17

7. “Love is an idea that we as humans should spread around the world, especially with all the violence going on, we forget simple things such as to love one another.” – 18

8. “The vision of imperfection being perfect, disregarding the flaws, no matter how bad they can be.” – 18

9. “It’s like when you look at them you feel like someone is physically gripping your heart. They have all the power over you. In a way it kind of hurts but in the best way it ever could.” – 18

10. “Love is patient, love is kind.” – 18

11. “Love is when someone chooses us over everyone else- under any circumstance” – 18

12. “Love is love is love.” – 18

13. “Love is subjective and overused, people mistreat it, abuse it, and fool around with it like some jiggly water balloon.” – 18

14. “Something that feels like home, gives you endless highs, but is the closest thing to death.” – 19

15. “Love is all about fucking.” – 19

16. “I don’t know what love is.” – 19

17. “Give and take.” – 19

18. “Unconditional.” – 19

19. “Not worth it.” – 19

20. “An overrated, intangible misconception that people still continuously search for.” – 19

21. “Love is letting him do it in the butt.” – 19

22. “Suffering for someone.” – 19

23. “Knowing that you can rely on this person more than you can rely on yourself.” -19

24. “A best friend.” – 19

25. “Love is not real.” – 20

26. “Loving you even after I saw your flaws.” – 20

27. “Love, easily, is pure honesty- with yourself and others. More importantly, love is psychosomatic, but that’s okay. After all, aren’t we allowed to make things up? – 21

28. “Fake, people settling for the best they can.” – 21

29. “Enhanced dopamine, overload of serotonin, and a fuckload of adrenaline.” – 21

30. “Socially constructed.” – 22

31. “Love is an unexplainable happiness that is experienced by someone and has no limit. It is unparalleled to any other feeling.” – 22

32. “What do the kids say these days? Swipe right? Or left?” – 41

33. “Love is like a candle, bright but full of tears.” – 43

34. “Love is selfless. When you love someone, you just want to love them, no need for them to return your love” – 45

35. “Never-ending.” – 46

36. “Loving something or someone else more than you love yourself.” – 47

37. “Love can be anything- seeing another person who means the world to you through how you perceive each other. Deep emotions.” – 70

 

After receiving all these answers, I still don’t have a definition for love.

But what I do know, is that love is everywhere. Love is when you spare a dollar for the homeless man who always sits by the corner store. Or when you hold the door open for someone. Love is when my roommate turns off the lights and pulls the covers on me when I accidentally fall asleep. Love is when my best friend shows up with a box of donuts. Love is when my little sister draws pictures of me. Love is “text me when you get back safely,” and “you’re such an idiot.” Love is losing yourself in someone like they are the ocean and you are desperate to drown.

 

— originally posted on The Odyssey Online

100 little things that matter

tumblr_nqxk18W2Sz1uosm2eo1_500Are you noticing the person right in front of you?

How her eyes light up when she hears a Beatles song? Or how her nose crinkles when the waiter brings out a salad with those tomatoes that she hates? Do you remember the color of his pillows in the living room? Were they grey or mustard? Do you notice the little things? Like how your roommate always wears her ring on her pointer finger? Or how that girl in your discussion always looks down when she talks?

There is so much more to the world than just looking down at a lit up screen. Our phones were made so that we can stay connected to one another even if we’re halfway around the world away from each other. But it seems that now, we’re more disconnected than ever.

Look up at the world around you. Do you feel the fresh breeze ruffling your hair? Or are you too busy looking down? Do you hear chirping birds when you wake up? Or maybe the sound of morning people wandering by? Do you hear the distant chatter people make in a cafe? Or what about the sounds of the rumbling thunder in the distance?

Leave your phones at home. Go live life.

For those that need a reminder, these are some of the little things that matter in life.

1. The smell of rain

2. A fresh breeze

3. Really big dogs

4. Freshly baked cookies

5. Cinnamon toast crunch

6. Lemon cakes

7. An old childhood stuffed animal

8. Fresh ink on a piece of paper

9. Constellations

10. When class gets canceled

11. Going for a run by the Charles river

12. When warm coffee is filled to the brim and dribbles over the edge

13. Sinking into a soft, comfortable bed after a long day

14. Being engulfed by a huge hoodie

15. Finishing a tub of chunky monkey from Ben and Jerry’s

16. The smell of freshly baked cinnamon buns

17. A crisp twenty dollar bill

18. When the leaves change colors

19. A warm bowl of New England clam chowder soup

20. Looking down at the city from a Ferris wheel

21. Mac and cheese

22. Inside jokes with your best friend

23. Listening to old bands like MCR, Blink 182, A Day To Remember, or Linkin Park

24. Burying yourself in a good book

25. Scenic late night drives

26. The weightless feeling of floating on water

27. Pancakes with butter and syrup

28. Sunsets

29. Sitting by the fireplace during a snowy night

30. Dainty wildflowers that grow by the side of the road

31. That perfect harmony your local choir makes

32. Vanilla milkshakes and fries

33. When your favorite ice cream place gives you an extra scoop for free

34. Singing at the top of your lungs

35. Feeling the warm sun on your skin

36. Hot air balloon rides

37. Hamster wheels

38. Hazlenut froyo with Reeses’ peanut butter cups

39. Oreos and warm milk

40. Late night car talks

41. The smell of fresh laundry

42. Motivational posters

43. Shooting stars

44. Tasting the caramel at the bottom of your macchiato

45. Saving that 4% of battery left on your phone to text goodnight to a special someone

46. Tiny corner bookstores

47. Waffles (with melted butter in the holes)

48. Streets lit only by the glow of fairy lights

49. A cute mug

50. Concerts

51. Disneyland in the summer

52. Secret handshakes

53. When babies laugh

54. That feeling when someone holds you

55. “Let me know when you get back”

56. The way a new phone charger still coils up

57. When you receive letters and postcards in the mail

58. Weddings

59. The perfect ratio of peanut butter and jelly

60. Reruns of Friends

61. Chicken noodle soup

62. When you’re sick and someone takes care of you

63. When you draw a perfectly straight line without using a ruler

64. Cloudy skies

65. The sound of the ice cream truck

66. When the vending machine gives you an extra pretzel M&Ms

67. Red Christmas editions of Starbucks cups

68. Purple LED lights

69. “Yeah you can have the rest of my fries”

70. Bouncy house castles

71. Little kids holding hands

72. The perfect ratio of milk and cereal

73. Dressing right for the weather without checking

74. Sweater weather

75. Fluffy hotel towels

76. Sleeping on clean sheets

77. A really shiny quarter

78. Putting on warm socks right after they come out of the dryer

79. The perfect work out playlist

80. When the jelly oozes out of the donut

81. When people laugh at your jokes (like actually)

82. Late night walks on empty roads

83. The sounds of church bells ringing

84. Daisies

85. When you see the first snowflake fall

86. New stationery

87. Polaroid pictures

88. “I miss you more”

89. Hot chocolate with whipped cream, fudge, and cocoa powder

90. When sunlight seeps in under the curtains

91. Red gummy bears

92. When a friend can tell when you need a hug

93. When your roommate brings you breakfast

94. When you (finally) find a pair of matching socks

95. The smell of vanilla candles

96. Warm honey and lemon tea

97. Perfectly aligned books on a shelf

98. Champagne flutes

99. Old couples holding hands

100. When someone tucks you into bed

 

— originally posted on The Odyssey Online

fill in the blanks

and send to the haters who “miss you”

Posted on July 2, 2018 by loony katoony

 

dear               ,

you say you miss me.

to clarify, you don’t miss me, you just miss the way i made you feel about yourself.

you miss the attention and validation i gave you.

you never gave a damn about how you made me feel.

[in case you were wondering, i felt                             .]

you lost the privilege of having me in your life when you                                           .

thus, with all due respect, fuck off.

 

regards,

                                        

the quiet

one

two

three

four

stop, please

i can’t breathe

angry red crescent moons

in my palms

deep breaths

it’s okay, i’m okay now

eyes shut tightly

stop seeing

stop remembering that night

stop stop stop

the world moves so slowly

unfeeling

hush now

the quiet after the storm

lingers

on and on

when will it end?

summer daydreams

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she is beautiful

she is strong

she is the apocalypse.

 

she is the breath caught in your throat

and the stumble between your heartbeats

 

she is a swirl of bubblegum skies

and chapped stick kisses

 

she tastes like honey

and summer daydreams

 

she reminds you of an ocean

breathless, breathtaking

relentless

 

she is gentle

she is lost

and she loves you