Category: thoughts

dreaming again

Part 1: Daydreams and Reality

Delightful daydreams come alive in the lush gardens by the poolside. The breeze danced with the windchimes, harmonizing to the tune of what feels like coming home. Floral decorations adorn long gala tables with more roses and lilies of the valley. Pink, white, green—a blend of pastels that warms the heart and pleases the eye. Blink twice, and you still won’t miss it. This is not a dream nor daydream; this is reality. The calm you’ve yearned for? It’s finally here. Steady trickles of streams engulfing rocks and chirps of birds from far away. I do not know what kind, but they sound like they are going home. Home. What a powerful word. I find home in my daydreams. It is you I want, my home, my love.

Part 2: Trust and Protection

But this idyllic garden I need to protect and nurture. Can I let you into my garden? Or are you holding shears behind your back? My love, how can I ever trust anyone again? My garden is my safe space, and the walls I’ve erected will be difficult to break down—can you do it? The question more so is, will I let you?

brain evolution

Happy 2025! This is my first post of the year. Yes, it is January 27th. I have truly been slacking but times have been tough !!! But I’m back. I had to take a break from writing and being myself for a while but I think I feel like I want my brain back now. My brain muscles are atrophying.

Here are some things I learned during the longest stretch of not writing ever.

It’s really hard to think. Apparently, I’m an external processor now. I don’t think I was one before. Sorry to everyone I annoyed! I will return to internal processing via writing now. It’s much better for me as I’m far more eloquent this way. However. It’s been a while (maybe over a year and a half?) since I sat down and properly faced my thoughts.

I’m always confused. My thoughts are way too fast for me to process. All my thoughts and emotions get jumbled up and I find myself never at peace, never having clarity. Like I’m breathing really fast yet I can never get enough air. Does that even make sense?

I stopped writing because I couldn’t anymore. Not because it hurt but because it didn’t. I had so much anger inside I swallowed it all up, breaking my heart and numbing the rest of me. I can’t quite explain it but I’ve been disconnected this whole time. I’m just a brain controlling my body, reacting as best as I can to the circumstances I am given. On a good day, anyway.

I’ve been doing my best on autopilot for a while in hopes that faking it will indeed mean making it. And you know what? It kind of worked. Of course, some nights it’s hard to sleep. Some nights it’s hard to breathe. But every night you make it through. I have a 100 percent rate of making it through the night.

Speaking of night, it is past midnight so I shall bid thee liquidguilters (?? I’ll come up with something better) a wonderful sleep.

Signing off for tonight, blog stylez,

Dnee (evolving brain)

aug 22, 2023

I think about writing nearly every day but before I can finish typing a sentence my fingers tremble so badly I need to stop. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, though sometimes that is the case. I think I have the opposite problem. My thoughts come too fast and disappear even faster. I wonder if it’s even worth trying to put my thoughts into words anymore. But the more I suppress my thoughts, the more they go ignored, the emptier I feel. It’s confusing because I feel empty yet I think I could explode at any moment. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do. Everything is flowing strangely. Time, words, thoughts. Flowing, overflowing, floating, untethered.

I haven’t written in almost a year. The hardest part is getting started, I suppose. So, this will be my first post. Hopefully, this short post will make me feel less invisible. I will try to write more. This is enough for today.

god isn’t real and nothing really matters

I never believed that God, destiny, or whatever [insert higher power] existed. Because if everyone’s lives were already predetermined, nothing we do matters. And if something like that did exist, why is there still so much hurt and suffering in the world? 

I used to fall asleep with hate in my heart and blood on my wrists.  Did I deserve that when I was 14? 15? 16-17-1819202122? Maybe. I was the one hurting myself. But what about all the times others hurt me? Did I deserve all of that? Did I deserve to eat lunch alone in the middle school bathroom stall because I didn’t feel safe anywhere else? Did I deserve to have my safe place taken from me? When girls tried to climb the stalls to take pictures of me? Or crawled under the gaps between the stalls and floor? 

I thought I knew what being violated felt like. I got too familiar with feeling empty and broken. I was comfortable in my numbness, and I let the emptiness sit in my chest. It was easy to let boys girls bitches friends dad mom people take pieces of me because they were already broken.  

My rapist took a different piece of me the night he fucked me against my will. 

Did I deserve to be touched without my permission? To be choked and hit and beaten as if I was not 97 pounds and him, over 200? To have bruises in places that should not have been touched?

I did not know I could feel emptier than I already was. The only thing I truly felt was the hate I had for myself. I felt hate in my blood in every fucking heartbeat pumping hate running through my veins as if I weren’t already drowning with lungs full of liquid guilt, as if I needed more reasons to kill myself slit my wrists and bleed out all the hope hurt just to feel anything other than this. 

I learned that the world moves forward even if I don’t. Life goes on. Pain and suffering go on and on and on and on. 

It still hurts when I think about what he did to me because he was my friend because I trusted him because I didn’t deserve what happened or maybe I still blame myself for being weak stupid trusting naive stupid stupid stupid and these days I think about that night more and more frequently, not of my own volition though I am just so triggered because I am back in Bangkok again and it still hurts because he was my father and I loved him and I trusted him to protect me from people like my rapist and I didn’t expect I didn’t think how could I know at the age of 11 that he was the one I needed to be protected from? How could I know?

God can’t be real. Fate. Destiny. All of that cannot be real. So while the concept of a higher power comforts many and lets them believe that everything will be okay in the end, I choose not to cannot believe in it.

I cannot believe life is predetermined because I cannot accept that this – my life my soul my brokenness my loneliness and hurt and anger-pain-emptiness-numbness unworthiness hatred guilt – is how I am supposed to feel. Maybe for now, but not forever.

I’d rather be dead than feel this for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to hurt – like this – anymore. 

I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’m trying my best but it is getting harder and harder to breathe. I am trying to heal in the environment that hurt me. I don’t think it’s working I need help I’m so trapped get me out of here I can’t sleep I don’t feel safe here this isn’t home I don’t think I can do this anymore I’m fucking breaking I am hiding the truth in my art because I am scared of him still and if this is art then it’s all up to interpretation, isn’t it? I speak in metaphors and hide between the lines. If you can read between them you can’t because I can’t either I am just scared.

Maybe I should just pray about it.

today and forever

i’m always so angry at the world

what’s the point of all this pain?

or i’m numb and i don’t care because what is the point?

if tomorrow never came why would it matter

if i already didn’t feel anything at all

when we’re together everything feels right and

the world doesn’t seem as scary as it used to be

it feels like maybe life isn’t so bad because people like you exist and there is hope in the world after all

i’m not angry at the world, i’m grateful to be alive

because if i weren’t, i wouldn’t have met you

i’m no longer numb or cold

there is a light inside me that wants to fight

and i can feel my heart beat so fast all the time

i have never felt more alive

i don’t know what the future holds but i know that i never want to stop feeling this way

the more i know you, the harder i fall

you are so easy to love

your heart is so big and so strong

you hurt but you are still kind

you care about people

and you are kind to them even though they haven’t always been kind to you

they say when a writer falls in love with you, you live forever in their words

i never want this to end

and i am afraid of tomorrow

so there is no tomorrow

only today and forever

and for today and forever

we are alive

naked truths iv

i haven’t been doing well lately

i’m cold all the time

i just want some peace and quiet

the days are bleeding into each other

it is getting harder to breathe

i could drown if i wanted

i starve myself sometimes so i can pretend the emptiness is from my stomach and not from my soul

i am hurting inside

but i’m also numb and… really angry

i am so angry it scares me

i want to destroy things myself thingsmyselfthings myself

i don’t want to die

there is so much hate in my heart and guilt in my veins

i want someone to punch me really hard in the stomach so i can throw up my feelings my guilt my hurt my emptiness

the world is moving too fast and all i can do is stare blankly

i am screaming inside

i just want to fall asleep but i’m afraid of waking up

i’m angry and scared always so fucking cold

it is 5:19 a.m. and everything is blurry and muted and distant

i think i am lonely

there is an immense sadness inside me that i cannot shake

gratitude

I don’t know what it is with me lately. One moment I’m completely fine — happy, even. Another moment, I feel as if my whole world has been torn apart. I have been getting this strange feeling of, not quite an uncertainty, but an almost-uncertainty. I don’t know how to put it in words.

I feel like a stranger in my own body. Like I’m in a room full of people and it’s the first day of school again and no one looks familiar. Sometimes, when I lie awake at night, I feel so lost. When warm arms hold me close, I feel safe until the thoughts start creeping in. Then, I feel lonely. Empty. Lost. I realize that everything is temporary. This blanket of safety and security is temporary.

This is not meant to be a sad post. Just one of acceptance. Maybe things don’t get better. Maybe I’ll feel this way the rest of my life – a life that I am incredibly grateful to have had.

My life is full of tickles and laughs. Kisses and cuddles. Purrs and piles of clothes. But it also full of uncertainty. Of fear and anxiety. Of sadness and loneliness.

When I journal or blog, I only write about my negative emotions. But I think I’m going to try writing about being happy. I don’t know if I can do it, but I want to. As much as I’ve accepted the way things are, somehow, there’s still a tiny sliver of hope left in me that things actually might get better.

Yes, things are shittier now than they have been when I was 16. Things are messier and more complex. But in a way, I have never felt more whole. I guess it’s all part of becoming an adult.

I want to be better. I want to love life all the time. I want to be happy. So, I am going to actively try to appreciate and love life.

Here are the people who make me smile – the people who make me feel a little less uncertain about where I’m supposed to be.

I’m grateful for Dena. She always manages to pull me out of my never-ending dark hole of a mind. I’m thankful that she understands me and supports me no matter what.
I’m grateful for Sabti and his energy and positivity. He reminds me of what it is like to live life again. I’m grateful for all my friends – Dena, Sabti, Kristen, Bennett – and I love them for always sticking up for me and caring about me.
I’m grateful for Joe and his unwavering support, even in trying times. I’m grateful that he wakes me up every morning, makes me food, and I’m thankful for how patient he’s been with me. Even though honestly, I’ve been a total bitch these days (so sorry, baby).
I’m grateful for all the love that he gives – to me and the cats. For his open-mindedness and hope for the future. He always says, “it’s all going to be okay.” And I believe him.

Thank you for reading! Let me know how you try to stay positive in the comments section.

naked truths

Hello. Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. Just not really sure what to say. I’ve been trying to figure out what to write and how to portray myself. Which, is strange, I know, because this is my own blog. I’m trying to be as transparent as possible; which, again, is for my own good. But I’m also afraid. How can I post online the things I’m too scared to admit out loud?

On this blog, I have introduced myself over and over again. Through my About Me page, various poems, articles — nothing seems to be enough. Why do I keep trying to define myself? I have so many answers but I crave more.

This post will be hard truths. Naked truths.

Thank you for reading.

  • I’ve started to bite my nails again because I’m anxious all the time.
  • It gives me something to do in the moment, but when I have a panic attack, I have nothing to cling on.
  • To clarify: I scratch myself sometimes or clench my fists really tight so my nails cut into my skin. The pain grounds me.
  • It’s not self-harm if I don’t bleed, right?
  • Describing anxiety is difficult.
  • I can’t breathe.
  • I feel trapped.
  • I’m tumbling down a neverending staircase.
  • It really fucking pisses me off when people pretend to understand or belittle what I’m feeling.
  • I wish I were prettier.
  • I feel invalidated.
  • I miss my dad.
  • Today, I had a panic attack in the bathroom but I didn’t tell anyone because they always respond with “I’m sorry,” and I can’t be fixed.
  • I wish my boyfriend liked Thai food. It’s the only part of Thai culture that still resonates with me. I don’t want to lose that.
  • I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Nothing nothing nothing.
  • Feelings: numbness, sadness, guilt, sleepy, tired, shaky, uncertain, unsteady, lonely, lost. Unsatisfied.
  • My therapist talks too much about herself.
  • I get urges to starve myself sometimes. So, if I’m weak, it will be because of a lack of food and not because I was up crying all night.
  • For someone who talks about dying a lot, I’m actually scared of death. Where do we go?
  • I don’t think that I will ever be enough.
  • I don’t know why I make my own standards so high. I know that people love me. I know that they think I’m enough. Why do I still feel this way?
  • I really want to take sleeping pills but I sort of overdosed and the doctor said I can’t anymore. Also, I’m on my way to liver failure.
  • I want to love myself but I don’t know how.

nothing but glass

There’s a spot right under my left cheek that stings when I cry. For some reason, more tears come out of my left eye. Some people don’t know which of their eyes cry more.

Not that it’s useful knowledge, but it is useful to know which side to lay on so no one can see you crying. For instance, I’ll lay on my left side with my left hand tucked underneath the pillow and my right hand on top of the pillow. So, if I start crying, my tears will roll right into the pillow. 

Sometimes, I can feel a breakdown coming. You know, like how some people can tell it’s about to rain (how do they do that?) Anyway, those days that I do know, I won’t eat because crying always makes me want to throw up.

I’m fine. That’s what I’ve been telling myself. That’s what I’ve been telling everyone else. But I, in fact, am not fine. I’ve been pushing and pushing myself and I think I’m teetering over the edge. At this point, I’d welcome the fall with open arms. No more hurting.

I’ve never been suicidal. At least, not really. All I want to do is disappear. To stop hurting. When I say I want to give up, I don’t think I mean like, I want to kill myself. I mean. Maybe I would if I could. But I can’t. Why? Because I’m a coward. It’s that simple. I faint at the sight of blood. So we can cross off guns, knives, and like 12 more things, probably. My knees get shaky when an elevator goes up more than six levels. Womp, there goes that rooftop idea. (But I was never really considering that because, c’mon, think of the clean-up crew. God, what a terrible memory to have imprinted in your mind).

Honestly, I don’t think I care enough to actually go through with the aforementioned “acts.” I just don’t feel anything anymore. Fifty percent of the day I’m just tired and the other fifty, bored. I never feel anything in the moment anymore. My feelings are ugly, hairy spiders jammed into a small glass cage – just waiting waiting waiting for that teeny crack in the cage so that they can all come crawling out.

How do you tell someone you love that you want to die but you love them so much but you’re so sorry because they are so sweet and they love you so much but sometimes they just aren’t enough to keep you alive? How? 

I am cracking.

— sorry this is such a shitty post it’s just that I don’t care anymore

?

There is so much I want to say. I’ve been struggling so much with schoolwork because I no longer care about what I’m learning. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning. But nothing interests me anymore. I want good grades because I know that GPA is forever and it’ll hurt me in the long run if I don’t try my best now. I just can’t bring myself to give another ounce of energy. Maybe it’s because I don’t care about myself?? Who knows? 

I’ve been studying hard my whole life to get into college. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What am I working toward? I don’t really have a goal, I don’t think. I’m just so confused about everything. Why am I having a harder time than everyone else? This whole feeling lost thing has been something I’ve struggled with for so long. I’m supposed to get used to it – find people who feel the same way, do what I love, etc. etc., but it is still as scary now as the day I realized that I was utterly alone (I was 11.) 

I want to succeed. I really do. I owe it to my parents. I owe it to myself. But I don’t know how to get there. I’m sorry this is such a shitty post, this blog is literally all that I have left (and I’m feeling really shitty so…) 

I’m drowning. Ugh. I hate this so much. I just want to fall in love with life again. Help help help helphelphelphelp.

not-nothing

I woke up at 8:30 when Joe left for class. I fell asleep right after he left. I’ve just been so tired lately. My alarm went off at 9. I snoozed it. When it rang again, I turned it off. I didn’t want to go to class. I should’ve just gone back to sleep. But I couldn’t. I stared at the ceiling for an hour. There are four small bumps near the light. The paint is a little faded in the corner. There’s a spot that looks like a small turd. I don’t know why I had to look up to describe the ceiling. I’ve memorized it by now. Joe has even caught me doing it a couple of times.

“What are you doing?” he’d ask.

“Nothing,” I’d respond.

Which wasn’t a lie. I was doing nothing. But it was also not nothing. I can’t really explain it. This not-nothing thing that I do all the time is kind of the only thing that I can do. I have a biology exam coming up (I skipped the lecture today), and two three assignments due for my journalism class. Every time I try to study or do research for my assignment, I’m filled with all this dread. I feel like something bad is going to happen. Which doesn’t make sense but I promise I’m trying my best to explain. 

These past two months have been difficult. I never quite understood when people say they’ve reached their “breaking point” until now. I am cracking. With every person that I talk to, every assignment I submit, every distraction that I give myself – I am stretching stretching stretching parts of me and giving everyone pieces of me and I don’t know if I can get them back. Not-nothing is how I deal with the dread. Since I don’t know what will happen if I keep pushing myself, I might as well prepare for the end. Does that make sense? Probably not.

It doesn’t matter. I don’t have any more of me I can give. At least when I’m lying in bed and doing not-nothing, I can imagine the ground swallowing me whole. I can imagine me folding into myself until there is nothing left. It’s quite therapeutic, really. If I cannot control how much of me I’ve lost, perhaps I can control how I disappear.

I’m supposed to get better. I think. That’s what my psychiatrist said anyway. And in some ways I am. Just not enough. I feel awful. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. My thoughts are so loud. And I don’t know how many more not-nothings I can go through.

I know, I know that I am not alone. And I am so grateful but I feel like such a big disappointment. I don’t want to bring everyone down with all my emotional crap, you know?

Joe – I’m sorry for all the late nights. For always crying at something stupid and for always being an emotional mess. Thank you for holding me and loving me. I love you more than words can ever say.

Dena – I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend. Thank you for always knowing what to say. Thank you for being my home in this strange, new world. I think you fixed me.

For the longest time, I thought that I needed a break from the world. That it was too loud. Too jarring. But I realize now that it isn’t the world that’s too loud. It’s me. And I need it to all stop.

I need me to stop.

I’m not really in the mood for writing but I figured if I started, things would just get flowing. I had an exam today that I thought I was unprepared for but it turned out better than I thought, so that’s good. I still have a bunch of work piling up and I’m not so sure what to do. I want to take a break from school and from life but it seems like I’m always taking a break even though I don’t feel like I am. Joe says it helps to make to-do lists. He made me a pretty pink smoothie today. I’ve been on my new medication for about a week now and I do think it’s helping but I still need more time to adjust. As I was studying yesterday, I realized that, in the grand scheme of things, this moment is very small and I probably won’t even remember it. And I should focus on the important things that make me happy. Sometimes I get sidetracked. Life just gets in the way. I took two naps today and I’m still tired. Every morning when I wake up, the only thing that gets me through the day is the thought of coming back home to sleep. I want to feel inspired again but I don’t know how. At least that’s a step towards somewhere, right? I need affirmation that everything is going to be okay because I don’t know if it is. I’ve lost a lot of myself and I don’t know how to get her back. I just don’t know anything anymore.