i get angry that no one can hear me scream but i’m not sure the words i’m screaming actually left my mouth

(i’m screaming)

there is a storm inside my heart

a silent rumbling that shakes my core

i wonder how much more of this i can take

a heart of glass should contain flowers like dandelions and daisies and all the flowers i have ever loved

but the rage is intense and i feel it in waves and i don’t know whether i’m going to implode or explode, whether i’m going to cry or scream, so i just sit with it. i sit with it silently while it devours me whole and engulfs me with flames i do not know how to fight because all my life i have been drowning

how can i be burning up and drowning at the same time?

if my heart is made of glass, it must be tempered because i have felt it shatter all at once

what is your heart made of?

i’m above my nerve

Daily writing prompt

What makes you nervous?

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the screeching of trains, silence in hospitals, thinking about what I’m going to do tomorrow, thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made in the past, thinking about how to be better in the present, when the kettle whistles, when the microwave beeps, when cars brake too hard, when the page is too empty, when I can’t come up with words for what I want to say, when you say my name a little too loud, when my parents are anxious, loud crowds, spiders, when a glass is too close to the edge of the table, when my bank account dips to three figures, the way you whisper my name, how you tuck my hair back behind my ears, sirens, the sound of a Teams call, when I’m going somewhere and I feel like I’ve forgotten something, thinking about expired products in the fridge, thinking about today’s solar market, 11:11 because I don’t make wishes anymore, all the unread books lining my shelf (guilt), thinking about Sara going to college, thinking about college in general, all the shattered dreams and broken promises, the potential of having another dream, the potential of another dream shattering

Anxiety is a part of my everyday life. It’s going to affect me whether I like it or not. But it’s not who I am, just a part of me! If you’re suffering from anxiety – don’t beat yourself up!! You are doing so well ❤

To all my anxious friends:

“If your nerve deny you, go above your nerve.” – Emily Dickinson

skytrain stranger

Daily writing prompt

Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.

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In January, I met the most interesting person. We happened to be walking in the same direction when our eyes met. It seemed natural to start talking to this person. It’s interesting how easy it is to talk to a stranger. Fears I’ve never told anyone slipped out easily. I learned that he was a chef. He works grueling hours with very little pay. I’m not sure this encounter was the most positive. He was disillusioned. When upper management forced him to fire an employee who did nothing wrong – an employee who happened to be his mentee – he questioned everything. He quit his job. He couldn’t find enjoyment in cooking anymore. It was sad but I wasn’t sad for him. I could see the fire still remaining in his eyes, even if he couldn’t. While we only talked for an hour or so, I felt I really got to know this man. And I realized – everyone is carrying the world on their shoulders. Everyone is disillusioned. Maybe that’s why I liked talking to him. He was real. How many of us mask our pain and pretend to be normal functioning adults?

He didn’t ask for my name, and I didn’t ask for his. We parted ways at the skytrain and I wished him luck. I feel inspired by his story. I want to struggle as much as I can. I want to be able to say I tried my best. I would rather go out kicking and screaming than calmly. Let us all be human and endure it all together. To my skytrain stranger: I’m rooting for you.

as if i could forget the regret simmering steadily beneath my veins this whole time

the thing about pain

the thing about pain is that it hurts. it is a consequence of the anger festering deep in your heart. what type of pain is it today? the angry fire radiating from within? whose flames lick and lap up at your nerve endings? imploding or exploding? which one is it today? perhaps the cool dull ache gnawing at your bones? there’s more on the menu and get this – a secret menu i haven’t yet unlocked. can’t wait for the new seasonal releases!

i’d like to decline ordering from the pain menu. i’m afraid i’m all pained out for like, life. but if you insist i suppose i’ll choose to feel nothing. one big pile of heaping nothing, please. numbness is my favorite flavor! how did you know? oh yes let me snap a picture of this despair and upload it to the Void. (an exclusive place to me only).

i wanted to write about pain but it hurts. and like i said, today i choose to feel nothing. so let me be numb for a little while longer

i fear i hardly feel human but sometimes it hurts so much, there is nothing else i can be but human

it pains me to say

i haven’t felt the least bit alive

that can’t be true now can it

every now and then i catch glimpses of myself

(the girl i used to be)

i can’t seem to laugh the way i used to

a sharp twisting pain in my gut that stuns me every time

it leaves me gasping for air

(because it hurts)

and i can feel it spread, seeping from my stomach inside inside inside it’s staining me

i’m speechless but mostly just sorry

i must still be alive if i’m struggling to breathe

the struggle is so stupidly human