i’ve never been on wordpress while high, i don’t think. so if there are a couple of typos, i’m sorry. since i am high, everything said will probably be unfiltered. so here’s the truth of truths: i think i might possibly be addicted to pain…? i’m not sure why but it fuels my art. but i am tired of feeling so hurt all the time – why don’t i allow myself to feel happy? i’m always punishing myself… guess it’s all the guilt i feel all the time. pulsing beneath my skin, drowning me. help me! i scream at the world but the world is too hard and i am too soft to be living in it. i worry sometimes about the world ending because we don’t think climate change is real. i’m 20 but i feel as if i am still 13 and clueless. i was hopeful and curious when i was 13. now i’m just sad. but that’s ok too, i think. i like eating ice cream when i’m sad that’s why i’ve gained weight because i’m always sad and wow this got more intense than i intended it to be somehow i’ve lost my punctuation even though i feel pretty sober actually. i’m so fucking sober all the time. i’m all out of juul pods and that makes me sad too. i can’t wait to live alone so i can cry loudly and no one will think i’m insane except maybe the neighbors. i always talk about being sad sometimes i wonder if there are any other components to being me? it’s a lot easier to write and read when i’m high for some reason. i worry about the future. i worry that i will never be able to experience true happiness because i always put others’ feelings first. who knows? we’ll die from global warming anyway. ok anyway my fingers are getting numb (idk why) so i’m gonna go. thanks for reading my nonsense. stay tuned for more ramblings!!

Some days, I feel like I’m slipping again. Turns out, 20 years of self-loathing is hard to get rid of. I spend most of my days sleeping, and wishing I were asleep when I’m awake. The world is too hard and too loud.

• i am trying to love myself but it is so hard
• especially when i feel like i am a failure every day
• i wish it were last summer
• i still think about hurting myself sometimes
• self-medicating sounds more than appealing
• i haven’t seen my friends in a while
• i’m scared that they’ve forgotten me
• life moves on, y’know? i’m not fast enough for it
• rawr!! i’m a dinosaur. i wish i were 5 again
• i’m painfully sober right now

LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME