?

There is so much I want to say. I’ve been struggling so much with schoolwork because I no longer care about what I’m learning. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning. But nothing interests me anymore. I want good grades because I know that GPA is forever and it’ll hurt me in the long run if I don’t try my best now. I just can’t bring myself to give another ounce of energy. Maybe it’s because I don’t care about myself?? Who knows? 

I’ve been studying hard my whole life to get into college. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What am I working toward? I don’t really have a goal, I don’t think. I’m just so confused about everything. Why am I having a harder time than everyone else? This whole feeling lost thing has been something I’ve struggled with for so long. I’m supposed to get used to it – find people who feel the same way, do what I love, etc. etc., but it is still as scary now as the day I realized that I was utterly alone (I was 11.) 

I want to succeed. I really do. I owe it to my parents. I owe it to myself. But I don’t know how to get there. I’m sorry this is such a shitty post, this blog is literally all that I have left (and I’m feeling really shitty so…) 

I’m drowning. Ugh. I hate this so much. I just want to fall in love with life again. Help help help helphelphelphelp.