Month: September 2018

a letter to my madness

Dear Madness,

sad rain girl

The days keep getting harder and harder. I really wish we weren’t this sad. I know that we’re in this together and that we should work together to make things right. But you make it so damn hard for me to want to help when all you do is fuck everything up. I don’t know what to say to you because I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to be enough. I’m tired. Please stop making me go through this again. Everything hurts and this is unfair. I want to enjoy life. I want to wake up early and drink orange juice and pet my kittens and go to bed without waking up and crying in the middle of the night. I’ve accepted you, I’ve reasoned with you, I’ve made you almost disappear a couple of times. Don’t I get points for that? I have taken you home with me and introduced you to my family. They’ve accepted you too. Why isn’t that enough for you? Why do you keep coming back to haunt me? You’ve been my shadow for a long long time now. I’ve gotten too used to you. Please leave me alone.

— Spilled

12:56 p.m.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of never knowing what to say, of saying too much, of saying not enough. I’ve been having such a hard time being back in Boston and I don’t know why. I can’t focus on one thing for long enough, it’s as if I no longer care. I keep messing up over and over and over again. I’m unhappy. I don’t want to wake up. And I feel ungrateful for feeling all of these things because it seems like this, right now, is all I’ve ever wanted in my life. Is there something so fundamentally wrong with me that I can’t appreciate what life has given me? I should be used to feeling this way. I should know how to deal with this. But I feel so lost right now because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when 2 a.m. depression hits me in the middle of the day.

I’m tired.